This month, I turn 50. That number feels big—not in a “balloons and glitter” kind of way (in fact, I REALLY don’t want the balloons and glitter), but in a soul-deep, stop-and-take-inventory kind of way. I was really excited about turning 40, but 50 feels much more solidly midlife and it’s had me asking the kinds of questions that don’t come with easy answers:
– What have I done with my life?
– What really matters to me now?
– What am I still meant to create?
At first, those questions felt heavy. I was quick to think about what I haven’t done—plans unfulfilled, paths not taken, a paying job that has rarely brought true satisfaction. But when I paused and asked myself, what am I most proud of?—two things rose to the top, clear and unwavering:
My daughter.
And the quilts I’ve made over the last decade.
I haven’t sold a lot of art over the last decade, nor do I have any show ribbons. But the quiet, intricate, deeply personal pieces I have stitched over the years, often without any real plan beyond the need to make something honest, are ones that I am very proud of.
Most of those quilts live folded up in my closet, but I brought some of the Victims Quilt Project quilts out of the closet a few weeks ago. I shared them at a memorial and gun violence prevention event organized by the PEG Center in Newburyport, MA. In that space, surrounded by community, collective grief, and a strong desire to bring about change in the world, I felt something settle inside me. The art had done its work—not as a product, but as a vessel. A way to remember, to honor, to feel. That night, the work that I shared very felt meaningful, not just to me, but to the people in the room. That experience reminded me that making matters.
Even if no one buys it.
Even if no one sees it.
Even if it simply keeps me tethered to myself.
So this month, I’m giving myself permission to make with no goal except to feel connected—to my hands, to my heart, to this season of life. And, I’ll see you on the other side of this birthday!
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